watch me get lost

where it is quiet, so quiet

and where I drown in the pit

of my own stomach

watch me listen

watch me watch

my fingers grow to roots that hold me back

that clutch my belly

and stretch the skin of my broken pieces

that tear my hair

and tremble at the base of my cold neck

watch me shudder

watch me fold to you

watch me turn my back

watch me feel

my fingers mold to the line of my spine

as I handcuff myself to my own humanity.

as you exhale the darkness

I inhale the way you move

so you can break me in my curves

where the softest pieces of me

are left with the impressions of your bones

so learn me

touch me

know me

kiss me

hold me

want me

in all ways biological and beautiful

remembering that this my curse

and I fear that as your teeth graze my skin

my poison will fill your mouth

you want to breathe me

bite me

swallow me whole

well you are shredding my flesh

with your tongue

and I am splitting to understanding...

I will never be enough for you.

without knowing, you are louder today

than you were yesterday

your lack of attention

breaks my bones

did you know you are stepping

on my toes?

sure, we can play mercy

bend back my fingers baby

and it's the way you breathe

good god, it is that you breathe..

my blood escapes me in a waxy mess
to become the candles that I see by
it is a perfect kind of pain
an anger set in sanitized tubes
here is the experimentation
hit or miss in guess and check
I will be the blinded shattered horrid
when the pulsing of my cells
is lessened by your lips

so that it ceases to be a question

of the skin set loose from my teeth

and becomes a question

of the safety in my veins

I will find the answer to breath

in your quiet desperation

the silence changes the course of things

and a shoulder is bared

to break the light

it is harsh and cold as metal against flesh

like a paper cut

to the bloodied pieces of everything

I am no longer able to see straight

and waxed blood swallows and defines my experience.

rounded bite marks break the lips of reason

I suppose I see the logic

in life [a break from death]

in death

[a break from life]

the edges are soft and I'm on the verge

in this padded cell of mine

today I'm imagining car wrecks

feeling glass shatter in my straight jacket

I'm on tiptoe

syringe to skin and muscle to trigger

and I find that I am an observer

noticer of the little things

participant through the looking glass

taking notes to live, to breathe, to break

you know the reality set 

by the patterns in my heartbeats

the despair chewing my veins

please, for my sake hold me down

as the writhing of my cells 

breeds disgusting logic

I swear that life

is just [a break from death...]

you're eating at my heart tonight

with your thick hair and esoteric eyes

and your words peel me back

to pressure your lips

I swear I'll play nice

with my magic fingers on your cheeks

let me slip along your skin

and teach you the words to love me

it's all in the palms of our hands

and I wonder if our existence can breathe

in the passion of all things new

there's a softening of the flesh

it's where need creates beauty

and iron muscle melts to hope

my intensity speaks clearly

and I think that I might need you

the sharpening edges of emotion

sigh the semantics of understanding...

in this moment,

I'm here with you

and it is enough.

it's the harshness of my voice

raking in spurts of song

welcome to the place where I weep

as silent screams swallow the mouthpiece of reason

I'm good at keeping the metal in my veins

and letting my own words bleed me dry

the desperation slips through my skin

can you promise me that I'm good at this?

in the harshness of my voice

I seek you out

and wish and hope

to someday hear you break my sorrow.