petalled words
swallow my tongue
I'm always softest
when talking to you
as I'm dotted harshly
with the rarest raindrops
and chills roll slowly
under my skin
to strip it down
and leave it all
to the grey skies
and the haunting mornings
if only to hear
you say my name again...
in a conversation
pulled heavily
from the deepest heart
it's all just talk
just talk
just talk
so we can waste the day
with rounded words
to remember before
and love with the unspoken.

I wanted wanted wanted
you
and now I'm
starting starting starting
over
sangria in a plastic cup
and wine soaked fruit
on a summer day
are breathing life
back into my cheeks
and arranging tears
like numbers on my skin
you cracked the code once
and I wish
and want
for you to be the one
to someday break my paralysis
despite how
irrational and illogical
that dream may now be.

as it all rests sedentary
the leak in it all lets me go
an alice in wonderland tattoo
defines my grace
and breaks my skin
just when I'd been hoping again
choose me, choose me
just when I wanted again
choose me, choose me
you chose, you chose
and it wasn't me...
so kill me in the end
the pages are yellowed anyway.

how are you today?
I've missed you a lot...
but I'm not the same
and neither are you
there are yellow flowers in my hair
and I'm a lion in the sun
spread bare in the warm
a textbook summer,
perfect and blue
eats at my eyes
and sears my skin
I'm stuck without you
once again
and even the night
can't break it down
enough for me to understand
I know how I feel
and I know that it doesn't make
a damn bit of difference.

I'm making sense
of bottle caps
and letters laid
flat on the pavement
even though
it's all so heavy
cold water droplets
lifted the weight
pushing gentle fingers
in the middle of my skin
I'm being split open
from button to zipper
and crease to fingertip
the sun
broke down the leaves
and left me naked
laid out
molded to the ground
the curls streaming
from my head
become the roots
that hold me still
and hide me in the light...
I thought I could
make sense of all of this
as if a name
could move your breath
to stop and wait
and throw it away
to turn a page
and ignore the last number
I wouldn't want me either...
not now.

I'm finding more and more that all I want is to run off into the woods and be a fairy in the moss and the mushrooms.
dreams are lovely...

I'm in love
with the smallest parts of you
and they are the ones
that ruin me again
and again...
I hope that someday
fate will find me worthy enough
to help me let go
of you.

the circulation
from stem to petal
is lost in translation
from music to love
where upon waking
it's all been drained away
and the window of before
is clouded thoroughly with after
heavy beats may confuse the ears
just as ink
may confuse the heart.

It can't have just been summer love
an affliction brought on
by changing temperatures
and the longest friendship
a purely seasonal love
come once with the warmth
and gone again with the leaves
I always thought we meant something
but what made us
so much more special
than all the others?

I've always wanted the softness
the fleshiest parts of us
in my dreams my teeth are sharp
and your blood
is sweeter than your mouth
I always knew how to draw first
how to hurt you more
how to rip the skin from your lips
and spill
your warmth over my teeth
there are nerves in the worst
parts of me
and bone where there should be
heart
I always knew how to break you
but I always went first.

I can't breathe
I won't breathe
as the dark breaks down the day
there's more of the sun
than we wanted there to be
and its pieces burn my throat
I've always swallowed them to save you
and I'll always choke on the light
to bring you back
god dammit
fuck your paradox.

I drew you a picture
like Harold
with his purple crayon
I drew it all
to stay in the lines
and color the spaces
between my bones
my crayon is the source of all
this nonsense
and causes all the confusion
in the cracks in your teeth
turns out I was never okay
and I was wrong...
welcome to reality
I always knew you'd be there.

can I write the rest
to break us down
does it get any simper from here?
I tried to write you a poem in the sky
but the sun only stole my words
and blinded me with sentiment
does it get any simpler from here?
should I treat love like a wound..?
cells and skin, they all grow back
and pigment floods the healed
but only until the freshest skin
in pierced again...
will it ever just be simple?

it's the good times
and like paper cuts they sting
the sun left marks
where it wrapped itself around me
where's the road back to delusion?
the arrows point to a cloudless day
and the open arms of the classic sun
the asphalt burns my feet
I always hated shoes and sun.

perhaps it takes the morning
to learn the night
did you notice the petals?
they fell for you
and they whisper words of love
through the pores of your inside-out skin
there are weeds on your fingertips
and trees in your eyes
maybe that's why we make no sense...
have we lost ourselves in the soil
of thousands of miles?
grown sedentary and empty-headed
just to let our roots bleed?
I never thought that this is how it would be
but tree leaves ceased to grace my heavy curls
oh, broken truth...
you always knew me best.

I unintentionally
dyed your paper napkin
and drank your sparkle water
will I glow in the sun
with the glory of my sins?
as your tie dyed napkin
and empty bottle scream my name
the leak in it all flows faster
goodbye, sunshine
perhaps I'll miss you tonight.

these numbers glow
but can't you tell
that they're after us?
was it ever more of a conspiracy
than in this delicate moment?
I'll close my eyes to block them out
and hide myself
in sleep just sleep
to dance with words
and swim in ink
to be all that I've ever known
and lose the rest to the sadistic.

read me please
over and over
spill my ink
on your upturned palms
to take me in
and breathe me deep
read me please
over and over
so you never tire
of the repetition
and you find new beauty
in old words
read me please
so when all my pages are gone
you can whisper my story
between parted lips
on the sweetest breath
and I'll learn myself
the way you've always
known me.

doesn't make and senseeeeee

when I stab myself
on a dead cactus
it still
really
hurts.
especially in the rain
where it sears
and my skin screams
and everything makes much less sense
than before
sadistic bastards...
they write it all
to break us down
but I've always just been passing the time
it all makes so little sense
so little sense...
it's just sickness
sickness

I find myself
set straight with puzzle pieces
and staring at glass slivers
challenging them to let it all go
as another day passes
I blink my eyes on colored cardboard
and breathe and reach
to pull you closer
and finish this puzzle
just to be whole
each day you slip
further from my grasp
and as I choke out your name
I watch you glance away...
I'd love to let you go
but each day without you
leaves me as undone
and broken
as the one before.

you always find me
late at night
when the sun ceases to chase us
and the kindest smiles
finally fade to frowns
the walls stop closing in
and I can taste your words
if only in the blanket of the dark
it's the light,
the light
and the dreams chased out by it
until I fill my mouth
with tumescent screams
to flip the pages and change the story
until I'm in my head,
and lost only in your eyes.

I always loved to let you go
to watch you walk away
again
and again
and the fireflies
they danced on my tongue
as their broken wings rode down my cheeks
wetting my skin
with the dust of their light
the space gained from your absence
filled once with shallow hope...
the dead cacti, they stare me down
only they know the truth of my mutterings
I always hated circles.
at least in squares
there is somewhere to hide.

it's the lead lines
and the paper planes
weighing me down
and setting me free
I was never here
and I'm not real anymore
I'm just waiting
waiting under paper clips
and black lights
it all quivers and melts
and my paper plane burns
I watch it all
to wait it out
and know you again
oh, the sadistic semantics...
but we were never funny people, were we?

can we talk about broken resolve
as smoke alarms scream heavy
every moment is as unreal as the last
and each has left me
with zero motivation
with a heavy head
and a lead-filled throat
I am nothing more
than acid in my stomach
dried leaves in smoking glass
oh, the pretty lights
they break me down
so you can know the feel of my naked skin
as tea bubbles confuse the tongue
I'm gently lost in purple ink
the pages of my journal,
encore!
oh, talking mice and knob-less doors
you were always my best friends
the dish and the spoon, you and I
and indeed, everyone we know.

I rest in pages of tea and quiet
where blankets are soft and nothing is wrong
the lowest music
creasing my ears
memories of rain
flickering behind my eyelids
have you always been my friend?
I'm sick, so sick
in the middle of all the good
I'm sick, so sick
so sick
so sick
can the rain be like closure?
to break me down and hold me still...
just give me a second, friend
to dance under your cold fingers
and learn to let it all go.

I'll scream, just scream
and hide away in heavy curls
"no matter what happens
I'll always miss you"
but it's always too much
and we were those flaws
perfections that the world found disturbing
the rest of ever
won't be my friend
as memories of you
slow and bleed to blackened nothing.

you were always enough
but now balance is left to stop signs
and the songs are buzzing in my ears
can you hear the clicking in my throat?
for I've swallowed the rose petals
that I hung from your walls
where there's a flash
a moment dies in my hands
and I know none of this
will ever be the same
but I'm sick of living life through a lens
and the sun is clouding my vision again
welcome to my wonderland...
I always loved you.

it's an interesting feeling
to come back from the numb
like swimming in pudding
or like petals between my toes
but my bare feet are in flower
and my cold fingers are on your neck
as if it's warmer in black and white...
so close your paper cuts
and open your heart
where laid bare,
I'd press a finger to your lips
and quiet you with darkened eyes
to straighten your spine
and breathe your skin
I'd keep the moon to swallow the ocean
and follow the light in your words.

It's in peppermint chap-stick
and biting cold
the brightest colors
and the shrillest noise
the softest daisy
kissing my palm
and the pollen
clinging to my eyelashes
a toothless grin
the thinnest cheek
the reddest blood
and the sting of pain
weight and heat
fear and you
tripping me out of pattern
and pressing your mouth
to my bruises
with words that ease
and eyes that split me sweetly
I've always been yours
in the breath of a distance's lie
and in the patterns of tears on my skin
there is you.